Friday, December 8, 2006


Healing is one of life's greatest questions, mysteries, and blessings to me. I have had this topic on my mind with great frequency lately primarily because I have been feeling its effects for a while now, but also because many that I love are in deep need of it. I have been forced to analyze its facets and the ways by which it comes about, and I still cannot say that I have reached any definitive answers. Nevertheless, I have come to some conclusions.

Healing is extremely frustrating because it never comes according to the timetable of the one in need. It always seems to come months and years after the most difficult times in life when it would be so needed and convenient. I don't think that healing functions according to what would most accomodate the one in need. This is obvious, as anyone who has felt the suffocation from lack of healing can attest. In my own life, I often ask, "Why couldn't I begin to view men in a healthier sense a year ago when I was in desperate need of a new perspective?" "Why couldn't I view life as a beautiful challenge a year ago when I was in the very pits of despair?" I believe that the answers to these questions point to God, the Being who sees all and who understands perfectly the stimuli and environments that each of His children need for growth. I will try to prevent myself from going into a religious rampage, so enough is said there. Nevertheless, I think the majority of the answers to healing-related questions are found in God.

Healing is complex and perplexing to me at many times because I do not always know from what I am healing. Life leaves wounds upon all who live it, yet these are valued as different by all beings. Take, for an entirely random, unrelated example, my homosexuality. :) Certain circumstancial indicators combined to create within me an attraction to men that goes beyond what is typical among humans (translation--a sexual component). Everyone around me has certain definitions of what my personal healing may entail; some believe that healing means overcoming the thoughts and desires for members of my sex. Others believe that finding peace as a celibate male will constitute healing. Others contend that I am in need of no healing at all and that my attractions are beautiful things that create diversity (and prejudice) among mankind. I am not attempting to label people or to diminish their own understanding of healing, but I simply want to shed light upon the fact that healing can be a vague, misinterpreted, and dangerous term. I, within my own Jekyll/Hyde being, have defined healing as all of the above options at one point in time, to demonstrate its intricacy.

Despite its complexity, healing is a miraculous blessing and an outcome to many in life. I believe that the natural man (not in the LDS definition of the word), the combined indelible components of our being, constantly strives for healing. We do not enjoy, nor can we healthily live with, a wounded soul or shattered pieces of our personal life's puzzle. Just as the body will sacrifice and do all within its power to regrow skin over wounds and to replace lost blood or bodily tissue, our spiritual beings are constantly in an attempt to grow, change, and replace what has been lost (whether by our own will or the fault of another). This is not to say that all things will be overcome within this lifetime by a natural course of living. Assuming this is rather ignorant, as many people die with the lesions of life open and festering. However, I do believe that, thankfully, our spirits will adapt and regrow to ever strive for completion and comfort.

There are exceptions to this rule. The first, and most obvious, is sin. Sin will canker and rot if it is not consciously dealt with by the offender, and for this reason, I believe, we are instructed so heavily about it and its antidote, repentance. I also believe that many problems that we encounter in life are the will of the Lord for us, and thus they will only be removed according to His time and His will, frequently a trial for me and for all. Lastly, I believe that an active, spiritual participation in our healing can increase its speed immensely. If we seek the guidance of the Lord through our scriptures, prayers, and church leaders, we can help ourselves overcome whatever plagues us more quickly than would otherwise occur.

Selfishly, I return to myself. Will I continue to heal? What form and shape will that take? How do I actively involve myself in my healing if I don't know from what I am trying to heal?

How depressing to end a blog with a question...


Samantha said...

So my friend, I just finished recommending you to become an elite scholarship recipient, and I just have to make a couple of observations:

1. Gay seminary teacher recommends gay student.

2. Completing this application was a pleasure in every way.

3. Gay seminary teacher recommends gay student.

4. It's in your hands now--I sold you the best I could (and you know I'm a fabulous salesperson).

5. Gay seminary teacher recommends gay student.

6. Okay, I'll stop, but still, I think it's terribly funny, and I know I'm going to hell (gay seminary teacher goes to hell).

By the way--this was an awesome post. You amaze me and I love you.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful essay! Healing is the gift that comes when we least expect it, and even then, the feeling can be so subtle that we miss it and don't realize that we are more whole than we were before. I am grateful for the healing that has occurred in my life and I ache for more. I, too, end with a question . . . and the only answer I can find exists in trust that He has a plan. I love you!!! You bring light and joy and healing into my life.