Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Cynical Desires

I was recently at a sixteenth birthday celebration for a girl that I hardly know, and a series of less-than-fortunate circumstances caused me to desire an inverted world (sexually speaking), if only for a short while, for the education of the ignorant masses. Let me explain myself.

The girl of the celebrated birth (the celebrated post-birthed one? :) ) elected to watch "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby," a movie lacking largely in importance although blessed with a few redeeming qualities. In the movie, one of the protagonist's primary racing competitors (he is a race car driver) is a homosexual man, and this man quickly became the antagonist of my companions, as well. My entire situation was highly ironic, in my opinion. During the movie, I was seated next to the newly-wed parents of the birthday girl (a second marriage, if ages have you confused) who were not attempting in the slightest to be discreet. They were rather open with their kissing, flirting, caressing, etc. It was awkward to begin with, and it only escalated as people surrounding me made comments towards the movie about how terribly disgusting it was that this gay race car driver had a husband, and not only that, a husband that he kissed! What horror! :) The parents began to make ignorant comments about real homosexual couples that they had seen, and it was almost hilarious to me to witness their naivety.

As all of this was occurring around me, I found the therapeutic solution to this problem. These homophobic, ignorant people simply need a dose of the opposite reality. If, by some blessed miracle, these people could be placed in a society where the majority of the romance around them was homosexual, where it was only appropriate to portray homosexual relations in the media, and where an in-love homosexual couple seated next to them made fun of heterosexuality, their atrocious behavior would be much more justified. And I would be happy. How twisted and slightly excellent would that be? :)

The tone of this post is supposed to be funny. I'm really not bitter, but I would love for these individuals to experience what I described above. It would be hilarious, and so much empathy would flow forth from the nescient heterosexuals that refuse to understand that differences occur within their very own realities.

I am such a gay-rights activist.

Friday, December 8, 2006


Healing is one of life's greatest questions, mysteries, and blessings to me. I have had this topic on my mind with great frequency lately primarily because I have been feeling its effects for a while now, but also because many that I love are in deep need of it. I have been forced to analyze its facets and the ways by which it comes about, and I still cannot say that I have reached any definitive answers. Nevertheless, I have come to some conclusions.

Healing is extremely frustrating because it never comes according to the timetable of the one in need. It always seems to come months and years after the most difficult times in life when it would be so needed and convenient. I don't think that healing functions according to what would most accomodate the one in need. This is obvious, as anyone who has felt the suffocation from lack of healing can attest. In my own life, I often ask, "Why couldn't I begin to view men in a healthier sense a year ago when I was in desperate need of a new perspective?" "Why couldn't I view life as a beautiful challenge a year ago when I was in the very pits of despair?" I believe that the answers to these questions point to God, the Being who sees all and who understands perfectly the stimuli and environments that each of His children need for growth. I will try to prevent myself from going into a religious rampage, so enough is said there. Nevertheless, I think the majority of the answers to healing-related questions are found in God.

Healing is complex and perplexing to me at many times because I do not always know from what I am healing. Life leaves wounds upon all who live it, yet these are valued as different by all beings. Take, for an entirely random, unrelated example, my homosexuality. :) Certain circumstancial indicators combined to create within me an attraction to men that goes beyond what is typical among humans (translation--a sexual component). Everyone around me has certain definitions of what my personal healing may entail; some believe that healing means overcoming the thoughts and desires for members of my sex. Others believe that finding peace as a celibate male will constitute healing. Others contend that I am in need of no healing at all and that my attractions are beautiful things that create diversity (and prejudice) among mankind. I am not attempting to label people or to diminish their own understanding of healing, but I simply want to shed light upon the fact that healing can be a vague, misinterpreted, and dangerous term. I, within my own Jekyll/Hyde being, have defined healing as all of the above options at one point in time, to demonstrate its intricacy.

Despite its complexity, healing is a miraculous blessing and an outcome to many in life. I believe that the natural man (not in the LDS definition of the word), the combined indelible components of our being, constantly strives for healing. We do not enjoy, nor can we healthily live with, a wounded soul or shattered pieces of our personal life's puzzle. Just as the body will sacrifice and do all within its power to regrow skin over wounds and to replace lost blood or bodily tissue, our spiritual beings are constantly in an attempt to grow, change, and replace what has been lost (whether by our own will or the fault of another). This is not to say that all things will be overcome within this lifetime by a natural course of living. Assuming this is rather ignorant, as many people die with the lesions of life open and festering. However, I do believe that, thankfully, our spirits will adapt and regrow to ever strive for completion and comfort.

There are exceptions to this rule. The first, and most obvious, is sin. Sin will canker and rot if it is not consciously dealt with by the offender, and for this reason, I believe, we are instructed so heavily about it and its antidote, repentance. I also believe that many problems that we encounter in life are the will of the Lord for us, and thus they will only be removed according to His time and His will, frequently a trial for me and for all. Lastly, I believe that an active, spiritual participation in our healing can increase its speed immensely. If we seek the guidance of the Lord through our scriptures, prayers, and church leaders, we can help ourselves overcome whatever plagues us more quickly than would otherwise occur.

Selfishly, I return to myself. Will I continue to heal? What form and shape will that take? How do I actively involve myself in my healing if I don't know from what I am trying to heal?

How depressing to end a blog with a question...

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

A Frightening Assignment

Imagine my surprise when my psychology teacher placed in front of me a piece of paper with many scandalous references to homosexual behavior. I glanced at the page and read the first few paragraphs, entirely in shock that we were going to be studying such lewd conduct. Let me quote a few examples for you here of what I read.

"I wear tight pants.
I pat men on their bottoms.
I often end up at the bottom of a pile of men."

"I shave my legs.
I travel quickly through groups of men.
I wear form-fitting clothes."

"I shave my entire body.
Sometimes other men help me shave.
I wear a small, tight bathing suit."

Besides the fact that Attempting the Path and I do all of these things all of the time, I found them traumatizing, to say the least. :) This is my teacher's idea of fun. These are all riddles, of course, although I will be the first to say that they are lacking largely in wit and intelligence and are somewhat disgusting and odd. I can never look at my psychology teacher in the same way.

By the way, I'm hosting a competition for anyone who can solve the riddles and guess what types of people these phrases truly represent (each paragraph is its own identity). I'll give you one hint--none of them is a lascivious male prostitute, although that was my first guess, too. :)

Sunday, December 3, 2006

The Loss of a Bearded (Goatee'ed) Crush

Tonight was absolutely heartbreaking to me, and I warn any readers that I bring nothing but dire, awful news. My awkward-man-crush (the man being awkward, and the man-crush being awkward, thus the excessive hyphens) has shaven (is that the past participle? Or is it "shaved"?) his goatee, thus cultivating less odd traits. I don't know what to do; I guess he's simply not the one for me. *Sigh* :)

Friday, December 1, 2006

Country Screamo

I think it may be useful for readers to know that I have more than simply a gay component to my personality. While the primary intent for my creation of this blog was to be an outlet in this specific area, I am slowly finding that I have many other things that I wish to record and communicate to others. Thus, please enjoy this entirely random side note.

I hate to have a sales pitch on my blog, but I have recently discovered a band that is entirely noteworthy. The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus is their name, and they have a lot of talent, angst, and originality. They are not just another emo band. (If you don't know what "emo" means you probably need a dose of pop culture and teenage trends.) One of my good friends and I were discussing how great this band is and how much we enjoy and admire the screaming vocal element, what is referred to in today's musical pop culture as "screamo." This type of music is typically characterized by anger and sorrow, but in this band the screamo lyrics do not match the tone of the voice. Anyway, my friend and I were thinking that it would be absolutely hilarious if there were a country screamo band. Can't you just see guys in jeans and boots screaming with rage into a microphone, "Well, I saddle up my HORSE!"? I think they'd sell more than any other artist to date, simply for being willing to cross the boundary between emo punk and country. May the hicks and the goths unite!

Random and light-hearted enough, Attempting the Path? I think this post deserves to pass your scrutiny. :)