Wednesday, November 15, 2006

A Girl Named Greta

One of my friends and heroes, a man by the name of Another Other, was discussing multiple same-gender attraction related topics with me over the Internet through the use of instant messaging. Our conversation eventually came to a point where the subject of attraction to women was on the discussion panel. I had many questions for my wise friend who is multiple years my elder and has been married for four years. His opinion is one that I value highly, due largely to the similarity of our circumstances and also his own strength and uprightness before God. We discussed marriage, and I expressed to him that I had always assumed that marriage would be something that I would primarily consider a trial, if it was ever to be an element of my future life in any degree. I had always felt like I would marry if I was inspired by God to pursue that course, but I did not ever intend to have feelings of attraction for my wife, or at least not anything beyond a desire for strong friendship. Another Other explained to me the feelings that he had felt for his wife and the beauty thereof. I was grateful for the conversation but skeptical about its content to say the least.

The weekend came, and I fell quite ill to some virus, disabling my body greatly for the classes approaching on Monday. I attempted to weather the storm when school came around, but I was entirely unable to participate in my weight-training course and I opted to simply sit out for the day. I found myself a nice stretching mat and collapsed upon it as my friends and peers carried on in their weight-lifting endeavors. I had more than ample time for my thoughts to take multiple directions, and I actually began to feel spiritually awakened there upon that dirty mat. As I was having this feeling of serenity, a song came over the speakers with which I am highly familiar. It is called "The Adventure," and the artist is Angels and Airwaves, a split-off from the former blink-182. The content of the song is primarily romantic and has lines such as "I cannot live, I cannot breath unless you do this with me," and "here we go, life's waiting to begin." On any given day, I would most likely have heard this song and immediately conjured within my mind a setting of me with another man. But much to my surprise, I had a very strong impression of me with a woman. I do not know how to describe this phenomenon, but I am certain that it was a spiritual guidance and a tender mercy from the Lord. I felt a strong desire to be close with a woman; not only emotionally together, as I have previously desired to a certain extent, but a desire to be physically one, as well. The feeling was much less sexually charged than those that I have experienced for men, but it was certainly more pure and more lasting. I was in awe. The Lord had given me a glimpse into my future if I but remain worthy; whether or not this reality will actualize in mortality or in the realms to come, I cannot say. But I can say that I was so blessed to have such a vivid experience.

This paragraph is in no terms the climax to the story, but it certainly relates and is another beautiful anecdote in my description of personal emerging feelings for women. The night after I had the spiritual experience described above, I was fortunate to go to a concert of a semi-popular alternative band with my friends. So as not to publicly expose the specific details of the female artist with whom I became friends, I will not mention the specific band. I was privileged to get to meet the female lead singer of this band, Greta, and I have never felt so drawn to a woman before. I found her extremely beautiful. She was entirely attractive to me, and she was one of the most compassionate and polite women that I have met (well, as far as I could tell from 10 minutes of conversation! :) ). I was shocked once again to feel strong feelings of attraction towards a woman that went beyond a simple desire for friendship.

These experiences were beautiful and amazing. I do not know if I will one day no longer feel same-gender attractions in my life, and I am not proclaiming that the active goal of all with this struggle should be to change, but I am saying that I am grateful for the experiences that I had and that I know that they were spiritual gifts bestowed upon me by a loving Father in Heaven.

1 comment:

Sabrina said...

Okay--I was just here--check your statcounter!

I love you!