I am not one of those people who whines about Valentine's Day. I have friends who hate it because it represents corporate America, and they hate corporate anything. I have friends who hate it because they are perpetually single, and they prefer to mope and complain instead of simply learning to be kind and hygienic and finding a girl/boy with whom they could make something work. I am not one of any of these groups, but for the first time in my life, I'm actually worried and slightly sad about tomorrow. The S.A.D., by the way, stands for Singles Awareness Day. Amnesty International, at my school, calls it "Love Everyone Day." I admire all of these attempts to spread love to the partner-less.
Why the sadness for me, you ask? I'm sad because I have helped multiple friends buy carnations for that girl that they notice, or create plans to leave someone an anonymous love note, or help them prepare a meal for their girlfriend of "x" number of months, and it occurred to me that I would love to do this, as well. I've had a secret love for a year and a half now, and that deserves some credit, especially considering the typical high school tendencies of two weeks romances. I would love to let this guy know, anonymously of course, that I care for him. I have a lot of thoughts, and I need some feedback. Thus, I pose some questions that I hope solicit answers from all who feel inclined to respond:
1) If someone of the gender to whom you were not attracted left you something for Valentine's Day, would that offend you? You see, I personally think not, because I love it when girls give me things, even though I'll never like them as they like me. However, I want to know what you think.
2) An odd question, but one worthy of asking: is it sinful (in the Mormon religion), do you think, to give a gift to a young man who will never reciprocate your feelings or even find out? There is less than a 1% chance that the guy that I like is gay, and if I ever gave him something, it would be 100% anonymous/secretive, so is it sinning to do so? Does that count as "homosexual activity"?
Part of me would love to do this because Valentine's Day is special, and I don't want sexual orientation to exclude me from the fun and festivities. I deserve to have that adrenaline rush as well, right? The cool thing is that my dad is so amazing and loving of me that I could probably tell him that I was leaving roses on the hood of some guy's (well, David's) car, and I think he'd let me do it. Dad, I love you. :) But the other part of me says, "Wow, this is ridiculous. You can waste your money, make a fool of yourself, and embarrass the poor kid who will find out in the next life, as God chastises me, that I left him the roses, not the cute girl he was hoping." I'd love any ideas on this.
I really am not planning on doing anything, but when my friend asked me what I was doing for Valentine's, my poor mind just started wandering. *Sigh* It's so hard to be gay.
About Me
- Sully
- Rocky Mountains, United States
- I am a tree-hugging, people-hugging, life-loving gay man trying to solve philosophical conundrums and maximize my time here as a mortal. I am learning much about what it means to be human, to be gay, to seek truth, beauty, and joy, and to share this wonderful world with many other seekers of these treasures. I look forward to seeking with you.
7 comments:
Hey Sully, enjoyed the post.
1) I was recently blessed with a plate of cookies and goodies. It was left at my door anonymously, and had a giant heart-shaped cookie with my name on it. This gift from the opposite sex (undoubtedly, because of the lipstick kiss on the note) did not offend me in the least. In fact, I find it flattering.
2) This is a tough one. I personally don't think it would qualify as "homosexual activity" or a sin. While it is the result of physical attraction, it is, in the end, just a gift. I think it would cheer up his day anyway, and that qualifies as a good deed.
This line, "...and embarrass the poor kid who will find out in the next life..." made me laugh in a sad kind of way. Dude, if there IS a next life and we find out everything in it, do you really think he's going to be embarrassed that somebody liked him? No way. Not. A. Chance.
I'm not LDS, but I used to be, and I don't think that would qualify as homosexual activity. As gay byu student wrote, it's just a gift.
So, here's what I think: I would for sure NOT be offended to have someone of the same sex give me a Valentine's gift (I'm straight), but I don't really know how guys feel about that, especially high school (?) guys. Some are awesome, some are insecure and that makes them get all weird and kind of mean about things. If he never knows it's you, then it's just a sweet thing to do, and would probably make him feel GREAT. HOWEVER, I know it would drive me NUTS to never know who gave me a Valentine's gift. So there's my two cents (really more like ten cents - I do tend to ramble, don't I?).
I used to get chased all the time by this girl in college that annoyed the crap out of me. She left me gifts constantly, and she just could not pick up on the subtle hints that I wasn't interested. But another girl also chased me and I loved it. She was fun and clever and I ended up marrying her. So, in regard to the opposite sex on valentine's day, just go with what you feel.
As for the guy you like, here's my thoughts. I think you should do whatever you can to foster the friendship and become really close. I don't think roses would be a good gift, because they have a romantic connotation. If he likes roses and you want to give him what he likes, then you could still probably manage it. (But I'm doubting that.) Get him something he likes and give it to him to his face. Just don't make it a Valentine's thing. Go out and do things together, just don't make it a date. Feel free to be as affectionate as he is comfortable with, just don't be sexual. If you feel sexual anyway, just go through the motions of not being sexual. Fake it til you make it. I know others will object, but I've had friends like that and our friendship ended up being all it could be (and satisfying).
So, that's my thoughts. If you like him, go after him... as a friend.
I've always said, and I still maintain, that anyone, regardless of gender, should feel it a privilege to be loved by someone like you (okay, I said "people as cool as we are" and included myself when I actually said this, but I'm trying to take the narcissism out of this, and focus on you).
In case you hadn't noticed, girls give gifts to each other all the time, and never think twice about it (I know, you're really envying the freedoms girls have when it comes to crossing the lines of intimacy with each other--perks!). The bottom line is that you have to think about what the gesture will mean to you. Will it draw you closer to David in such a way that you'll feel more hopeless and miserable? Will it make you feel relieved? Why are you doing it--for him? for you?
Bottom line, Sully, giving a gift is always a beautiful gesture. Wanting to share romance and love on the designated day is normal and right. Only you can make the call as to whether the action will help you feel better one way or another. But I, personally, think you're amazing, and I stick with my first premise: romantic gesture or not--David is pretty lucky to be loved by someone like you.
Oh, and by the way...Happy Valentine's Day. I love you!
To coin a freudian-like phrase: Sometimes a gift is just a gift. Giving a gift to someone because you like them or admire is a not a problem IMOHO.
I'll tell you a secret. You're adorable.
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